The Lost Codger

I told James not to say anything as I wanted to see how long before Syimah realises that I wasn‚Äôt Chinese. Seconds later both James and I found ourselves in Syimah‚Äôs kitchen. Belinda was there.‚ÄúHello‚Äù, she said. This five-foot adorable thing wearing a ultra-bright yellow hijab and matching baju kurung spoke to me…. You see, Syimah doesn‚Äôt like cucumber (so clich?©) but to add complete-ness to the whole nasi lemak thing, she served cherry tomatoes, which I must admit, albeit slightly unusual, seemed to be a fitting replacement.Anyway, to keep a long story short, the four of us were sitting down and busy stuffing our faces, with the usual chat about what everybody was doing, for how long, blah blah blah, when suddenly I chomped down on a whole cherry tomato and the juice squirted right into my throat….

…the first thing you do when you get home is shed your clothes and walk around in your underwear….you didn’t hold an open house last hari raya….expiry dates on food mean nothing to you….you still enjoy watching cartoons….you only hoover when you’re expecting guests….you take a pee/dump with the door open….you have a crush on at least one popular celebrity….you have a regular tv-viewing schedule….your kitchen sink is never empty….you consider getting a pet….you take the trash out only when you can no longer stand the stench….your idea of a fulfilling weekend is cleaning your trainers in the washing machine….your fridge is always almost empty but your freezer is always almost full….you have a dining table that…

Kutu oh kutu Why suddenly got kutu Makes me itchy want to garu-garu Now must go get special shampoo Kutu oh kutu All over my carpet got kutu Must be careful not to step on kutu Can see them loncat-loncat like kangaroo Kutu oh kutu Everywhere also now got kutu Got kutu when I step into my shoe And got bitten when I go poopoo too Kutu oh kutu Used flea spray already still got kutu Can feel the moving between my bulu What to do now what to do?

As much as I would have loved to stay longer in bed, I just couldn’t, so I got up. Like many other net-savvy yuppy (I’m sure), I went to check my email first before anything else, and that includes washing my face, or brushing my teeth for that matter…. Some might get down and do some crunches before taking their shower, some might skip shower altogether and get on with breakfast, some might even skip everything and put on their clothes to start the day. What I’m trying to say is that everybody has their own thing for getting up in the morning, and that includes when they err.. ‘do their business’.

You can’t help but feel a bit suspicious when the stench was so overwhelming, it made you look at the soles of your shoes every twenty seconds to make sure they haven’t made any contact with anything that would discharge such a nasal-hair-dislodging malodor.Anyway, I reached the post office safely with no signs of “involuntary collision” anywhere. As I headed back, I used the opposite sidewalk, hoping to avoid the earlier paranoia, plus it was shadier on this side with the tall trees and the sun was beginning to fry my skin.To my horror, the stench was three times stronger over on this side and this time, I found the culprit.Lo and behold…I can assure you, it was a huge pile.